I know it has been awhile since I last written, but to be honest… I haven’t been doing well. I have been doing even worse than usual (if that is possible) and it really is even taking a lot out of me to write tonight. Therefore, I really don’t know how much I am going to be able to write tonight or how coherent all this will be until I finish. So… let me warn you before you begin to read this to please be understanding and please be bare with me. My apologies in advance if some of the things are not coherent.
I really wanted to write tonight and let you know the very latest because I am not doing well. I have really taken a turn for the worst and I really need to get to Mexico more than ever now. I fear that if I don’t raise enough money to go to Mexico and get there… I am going to die. My body is really shutting down fast and suffering. However, even though we are scheduled to leave for Mexico in May, we don’t know if we are honestly going to be able to go because we are still far from our goal of the money that is needed to pay for the trip. We can’t pay for the trip by ourselves and despite all the help we have been asking for… we haven’t been able to raise enough to get me the very much needed lifesaving treatment. But, I am still hoping that it will happen even though we are still very far from the actual amount of money that is needed for the treatment since it will cost us over $100,000.
I am very fortunate and thankful for all the people who were kind enough to donate to me. However, without the full amount of money to pay for the treatment in Mexico, I am not going to be able to have it. Even though I have tried many different ways to raise money, it really wasn’t as successful as I really was hoping for. Therefore, we might have to put off the trip for awhile and postpone it until July. However, the doctors are saying that putting off the trip will be extremely dangerous and very detrimental to my health. They really don’t think I will make it until July and they are really hoping that I will still be able to find the funds so that we can continue as planned and continue to go down to Mexico for the lifesaving treatment in May. But, May is literally 1 month away and it basically will take a “miracle” for it to happen. So… if you can please do anything to help facilitate that miracle, I would really appreciate that. Please spread the word that I am in desperate need of medical treatment and without it… I am going to die. Please also say a prayer that I will also make it to July because that will be the next time available to have the Coma!
I really need this Coma more than ever and urgently too. I am really not doing well at all. In fact, it has gotten to the point that we need to actually get a wheelchair or a motor scooter for me. It has gotten to the point that I am too weak, too much in pain, and too sick to continue to walk with the crutches. For me to actually concede to a wheelchair or crutches… things have to be really bad because I always promised myself that I would never end up with one. In fact, that is another problem we are having, as even the wheelchair and motor scooter will cost nearly $1000 and we don’t even have the funds for that either.
I never wanted to go into a wheelchair or have a motor scooter. To me… I always knew that once I went and had one of those items, it really meant that the “end” was here and that was it. In fact, despite all the times I was offered a wheelchair or scooter to get around, I always turned down the offer even though it would have made my traveling easier. There were so many times when we were someplace where I really wanted to use a wheelchair or scooter because I was so tired and so much in pain. However, I never wanted to give in to this illness because I knew that if I gave it an “inch”… it would take a “foot.” I knew that if I gave in to it that time… it would be too easy to give in to it the next time. You know? So despite all the wanting it and how much it would have made it easier on me… I always turned it down.
I did whatever I could to manage to stay on crutches. In fact, I was amazing on crutches. I could carry items and even outrun anyone on crutches. So for me to say that I can’t use them really anymore and that I need a wheelchair or scooter… it really shows how “sick” that I am.
However… like I said before… we are having more problems because it is also an added expense to the mix that we obviously don’t have the funds for. They want about $1000 for it. I need to get a certain kind as well because of how small I am and my strength. So I am really hoping to raise money so that I can be “mobile” still because without the wheelchair or scooter… I don’t know how I am going to get around.
I have been in so weak, been in so much pain, and been suffering so much lately that I literally can’t even get off the couch. Using crutches takes too much energy and that is why I need the scooter. Even going to the bathroom is too exhaustive and taxing on my body. It has really gotten to the point that I basically sleep the day away and only up for a few hours to try to eat and that is it. My body is just shutting down and doesn’t have the energy to do anything else. I am so weak and have been sleeping so much that my dad constantly is checking on me (even all throughout the night) to make sure that I am still breathing because this is so unlike me.
With all the pain that I am in, the nights are the worst. By the time the nights come alone, I am in such severe pain that nothing gives me any relief. I literally max out on all meds lately especially at night because of all the pain that I am on. I take so much medicine that doctors say that the amount of medications that I take would kill a horse. They don’t even know how I am tolerating all the meds that I am on because there is no way that a person weighing over 300 pounds can take this amount. They said that my body is just metabolizing the drugs so very quick and that is one of the problems.
I really also need to get my GI tract checked out. The gastroparesis has also gotten really bad. Not only am I bleeding worse than ever, but the vomiting has worsened as well. I can’t tell you how many times we have to change my bedding or anything because of the vomiting/bleeding. Nothing is worse than when it is the middle of the night and you wake up with blood in the bed. It is horrible.
In addition, we I recently broke a rib. I have gotten so fragile that the littlest thing will cause me to break. My bones are so brittle because of my illness and I haven’t been able to get the very needed medication that I need to help strengthen my bones because of the severe osteonecrosis that I am suffering from. Since I have Osteonecrosis, the doctors are fearful of giving me the infusion that I usually get to strengthen my bones and therefore, my bones are deteriorating even further. I really needed that infusion too because my bones were still even deteriorating and really weak with the infusion. To think how much worse they would have been without it. So I know it is really bad because I haven’t had the infusion in awhile.
It shows how brittle and fragile I am because all my dad did was pick me up. He didn’t realize that his pen was in his pocket and as a result, he ended up breaking my rib when he picked me up because my rib pressed against the pen. To think that something as simple as this ended up breaking my rib. So… I am in so much pain because of this and I am in even more pain than an ordinary person because I am hypersensitive to everything. A simple needlestick is like someone driving a knife through me. So Everytime I breathe, I get the hugest pains you can imagine. Plus, since I am always vomiting… it isn’t helping the problem either.
I am not going to lie… I am so scared. I really don’t know what is happening. All I know is that something isn’t right and that I really need HELP and help badly. I am so thirsty and nothing quenches my thirst. It is getting extremely hard to breathe as well. Even taking breaths of air is so exhausting. I really feel my body deteriorating and shutting down. It is the weirdest feeling in the world… a feeling that only someone experiencing it can understand. I really just hope that if anything should happen that I go quickly and not painfully and that I go in my sleep. But I really hope that it doesn’t have to come down to that, as I am still praying that I get the lifesaving treatment that I need and will be able to live my life to the fullest. There is still so much in life that I haven’t done and so much that I want to do.
My dad hasn’t been doing well either lately and he is also freaking out. He looks horrible, as he has aged so much in the last few weeks. He can barely walk, he is exhausted, extremely stressed out, etc. I guess I can’t blame him. He really wants me to get better. In fact, if something would happen to me, I don’t think my dad would ever get over it. It hurts him so much to know that I am suffering and that there is nothing that he can do. It hurts him so much that he can’t provide the money and what is needed for me to get well. He would do anything for me to be able to get to Mexico so that I can get the much needed treatment that could save my life. But, he knows that his hands are tied. He keeps reassuring me that we WILL get to Mexico, but sometimes I think he is just saying it because he is just trying to keep me going when deep down he knows it will never happen because we are never going to have the funds for May and I won’t make it until July. I am just afraid that he is going to have a heart attack with all the worrying, stress, and work that he has been doing. If something would happen to him, I would never forgive myself. He is not only my father, but also my very best friend!
Thank goodness that I have my animals. They have really been the only “good” things lately in my life. They have really been my only friends throughout this. I have felt so alone lately. You really learn who your true friends and family are when you are sick. By having this illness, I really had my social life end and I really just spend my life cooped up in a house… isolated from the world because it is so hard for me to get out because of how sick I am. Not only can’t I go out because of how I am feeling, but even the weather affects me, as I can’t tolerate the temperature, humidity, the wind, etc. Even the gentlest breeze against my skin will send the most excruciating pain throughout me.
I am not going to lie, but I really miss my social life. I really wish I had one again. I just wish that I was normal. Sometimes I wonder why I bother even having a phone. The only people that call my phone are the doctors. I would love for people to “text” me, but all my phone does is remain as gateway to talk to doctors and a place that keeps my appointments, which is filled all with doctor appointments rather than FUN social events. I just wish my life was different. I am 32 years old and my life has literally been taken away from me. I really want to experience life like everyone else has. I know it sounds stupid but I even get upset and jealous of people “working” or “exercising”. I just want to be normal! I will do anything for that day for it to happen!
Well… I guess that is it for right now. I really just wanted to bring you up-to-date a bit on what is happening and also ask if you can please say a prayer for me because I really do need it more than ever. I am really worsening and really need to get to Mexico ASAP. Please say a prayer for me!! If you can think of any way possible to raise funds for Mexico or for my other medical expenses such as the motor scooter so that I can be mobile…. Please let me know. I am really desperate. I really am a time bomb waiting to go off and it is going to detonate soon. I need help faster than ever now.
Thanks again for all your help. Again, please continue the prayers and please continue to spread word of my donation site at www.GoFundMe.com/FallonMirsky. Bracelets are still available and can be purchased by sending me a message at Femirsky@gmail.com. They are $5 and all expenses go towards my medical expenses. The “Help Fallon Fight” bracelets come in pink or blue.
With spring finally arriving and the flowers in bloom… I am hoping that the gray and gloomy skies will not only clear up outside, but it will also clear up in my life!! However, I know that isn’t going to be possible without the help of others. Please help!! I am desperate.