It just shows that you can “run but you can’t hide” from an illness. I know that I haven’t written in a very long time, but it wasn’t because things were all “peachy” or getting better. However, I was just running from my illness because I was tired of being sick. For once… I wanted to feel what it felt to be “normal” again!
Yet, I have realized especially with how I am feeling and especially after what happened the other day with my dad saving my life, I needed to write a blog to get everyone up-to-date on what is happening because things have obviously gone really downhill despite the fact that I have tried to “run” from this illness and conceal the fact that I am ill. I have been extremely ill and I honestly don’t know how much I am going to be able to write but I will do my best.
First off, I will let you know what prompted me to get off my butt and write this. Although I have had so many good things happen to me and I just wanted to be normal, I was reminded this week megaly that it is only physically that I “look” better and in reality… I need to get medical treatment and get to Ohio ASAP because time is definitely not on my side. I desperately need as much help as possible so that I can get the necessary funds so that I can get the life threatening treatment to save my life. My body is shutting down big time and I am at the point that my bloods are not even registering. I am living in DANGER big time!!
My bloods have been dropping for a while, but they basically always ‘registered.’ Yet, I am at the point now that now aren’t more organs failing and more blood values dropping and being out of whack, but they aren’t even registering on the lab values. I desperately belong in the hospital, but unfortunately the only hospitals that can help me really are ones we cannot afford. So if you can please help in any way possible, I would really appreciate it.
Doctors have really never seen a patient like me… someone walking around with blood values off the chart. I am really scared because one of the values that are really low is my heart level. I am so scared my heart is going to give out. My whole entire body feels so weak… especially my heart. After all… you are only given one heart and once that goes…. You are done!! I am literally walking the slimmest line ever and this line is going to break. I am like a grenade that was detonated and we are almost at the point of detonation. Yet, I can’t have that happen. I haven’t lived my life yet. There is so much that I have to still do and so much that I want to live for. But the truth is that without help… that is all going to not even be a possibility.
My bloods are so bad that not only are my organs shutting down, but my heart is so prone to going into cardiac arrest and dying as well. So we really have to be careful in everything that we do. I can no longer eat or drink anything. Just the sight or smell of food or drinks makes me nauseous and I want to gag and vomit. I know I was barely able to eat before, but even those littlest things that I had before like the ice cream and ice-pops are impossible to have. It’s a shame too because those ice pops were one of the ways that I took my heart mediations that were so essential for me. I have been having trouble swallowing all my pills for a while, but now it is literally impossible to even get down one. I don’t know what is happening to me. To tell you the truth, the only thing that I actually enjoy eating is pickles and saucy cheese that you have on pizza. I don’t like the bread, but I like the sauce and cheese. I am just a complete mess. But I am so thirsty, and yet… I can’t find anything to appease my thirst without making me nauseous… not even ice pops. I am just one huge hot mess.
I was reminded of that this week because my dad literally had to save my life this week. I have been getting infusions of medications and potassium and other good stuff that I desperately need now when I get the ketamine weekly. Well… this week my dad was watching the machines that were on my monitoring my blood pressure and pulse and guess what? My pulse started going way up. Even though the machines were beeping because of the emergency alarm, no one was coming and it took the quick thinking of my dad to get the doctors because of what was occurring. When the doctors came in my pulse was way over 120…. And this is coming from someone whose pulse is normally in the 40s remember? So this was extremely dangerous. So I was having some kind of reaction. The doctors had to take action immediately and even give me extra stuff in the IV to bring my numbers down. I never had a reaction like this and it is weird because nothing was really different except for the fact that I am ‘sicker.’ So I can’t thank my dad for what he did because I really could have stroked out or something else could have happened. Like I always said… my dad is my knight and shining armor and my “superman!” He is my dad, best friend, and hero.
I also had to go to see another doctor today because when I went to get my colon cleaned this week, the doctor did an endoscopy as well because I was complaining about a pill being stuck in it. Due to my severe gastroparesis, my esophagus is getting extremely bad and it is getting impossible to swallow things. Well, not only did they find the pill that I had stuck in my esophagus, but they found another marking on my vocal cords. So I had to get that checked out. Turns out that when I went to the throat doctor today, it was a “blood blister” which I have been getting a lot of. However, usually I get them just in my mouth. To have them now on my vocal cords and possibly down my esophagus…. It is not a good sign.
I desperately need help. I am deteriorating like crazy. My weight is plummeting and my teeth are even falling out. I am getting even embarrassed to smile because of what my teeth look like. My teeth have looked awful for awhile, but now that I am starting to actually “lose” my front teeth…. That is something I can’t tolerate. I have other teeth missing and spaces, but to have it now happening in the front (where it is extremely obvious)… I have to get something done. I can’t let this happen. It is bad enough to be sick. But to look sick and look like an ‘ogre’… that is something else.
I have learned that sometimes you feel as you look. For example, the better you look… the better you feel. That is why I am so self-conscious on how I look. I make sure that everyday I wear makeup and fix myself up to the best way possible because I know that if you look good, you feel good. Plus, I don’t want people to know how sick I really am, so I try to conceal it with all this ‘fixing’ myself up. So now that I am having my weight even plummet more after I already look like an emaciated skeleton and then my teeth worsening the way that they are… it is also taking a huge toll on my psychological health as well. I just want to be ‘pretty’ and be normal. But with what is happening to me now… it is getting harder and impossible to be that way.
So I am begging… please help me get the treatments that I desperately need. I am supposed to leave for Ohio to meet with the surgeons to have that huge surgery to remove my GI system (especially my colon) on September 1st. I am also scheduled to go to Nebraska in September as well, as they want me there too. Those hospitals are the only two hospitals basically left and willing and able to care for me. So it is imperative that we get the funds for these trips so that we can go. Then when I have the surgery, which would be right after, I will be there for at least a month and we definitely need help in paying for that. So please help. Please help me find a way of paying for these trips, these treatments, and the current treatments to keep me alive until then. I know I sound like a broken record, but I am pleading for my life. I am desperate. Remember… any donations can be sent to www.gofundme.com/help4Fallon and any suggestions can be sent to Femirsky@gmail.com.
Since we didn’t have the funds for treatments and I really was starting to believe that there was no “hope” for getting better because despite my pleading the amount of donations we were receiving were not coming nearly enough or even remotely close to what we needed. I really appreciate all that has contributed and have helped because I definitely wouldn’t have lasted this long without you. But since I didn’t have enough, I did the most that I could with the treatments that I could do with the money that was donated and then I tried my own technique of pretending “not to be sick” in hopes to enjoy life and perhaps make that maybe a true reality. But it just showed me one thing in life… you can run but you can’t hide.
I really tried to be happy and normal for the past month or so. I was very fortunate for someone donating a wonderful dog to me. It was the best thing that has ever happened to me, as he became my BEST friend. He became the kid that I never will have. It was a great surprise to me and it was decided that this dog will be trained as a “service dog” for me to help me out. In this way, he not only can help me in the ways that I need, but he will be able to go with me everywhere including the hospitals. He really is one amazing pup.
This was one of the smartest moves I ever made. I have posted pictures of him on Facebook and I will post some at the end of this. If you have been on Facebook, I am sure that you have seen him because I have taken like a gazillion pictures of him. He is so photogenic and cute. Of course the pictures that I am in are of course photo shopped because I won’t put anything on Facebook without it being airbrushed and photo shopped because I don’t want to look ugly or sick or anything; I just want to look normal and I hate the way I look.
His name is Scooby Doo and he is registered as a Service Dog even though he is still in training. He is a cockatoo and he is one amazing pup. He is currently 4 months old and I can’t tell you how much I love this little guy and how much joy he has brought into my life. He has been the kid I never have had and probably will never get to have. At least now it gave me something to smile about, post pictures of, and be happy about. My mom laughs because I treat him so good. She says that I treat him like a baby more than a dog. But I don’t care. He is mine and I am going to “baby” him all the way.
Scooby really is some dog. I have had some wonderful times and a great amount of happiness in the past month. He has perfect temperament and people who have met him even have said that they would “take him if I didn’t want him.” I was even offered money for him, but there is no amount of money that can take him away from me. He is mine!! I have clothes for him, bows, a stroller, and even one of those things that you wear around your back and you can put him in so that you can have your hands free while you carry him on you. I even have a car seat for him. Thanks to everyone for the donating.
Scooby really got attached to me. In fact, he even has ‘separation anxiety’ with me because he was taken from his mom too early. I one time looked up where he came from because the person who gave him to me originally got him from breeders obviously and they were in Missouri. When I looked them up…. I was appalled by the conditions that were there. It was like a puppy mill. They had so many citations against them that I am so glad that he is now here and living I a much better environment.
I can’t really write that much now but be on the lookout for some “Scooby” stories. All I know is that he really loves me and I can’t get away fro him. Leave him, he will literally scream at the top of the lungs until he sees me. He just can’t stay away.
Scooby loves the computer. In fact when he sees it, he even tries to type on it. He really is so funny and smart.
In fact I didn’t realize how much Scooby really knew and understood until these past few days. When I became sicker than ever… I have been giving him commands and he has really been listening and obeying them. I am really shocked.
Well…gonna get going because not doing well. Thanks again for all your support. Just wanted to give a little update and let you know why I have bee so out of touch. Also was hoping and praying that you might be able to help me find a way to get the necessary funds so that I can get the life-saving treatments that I desperately need because time is extremely crucial. I am at the point where I can’t eat anything; my weight is plummeting faster than ever (I would hate to start going into the 50 range), etc.
Remember… any donations can be sent to www.gofundme.com/help4Fallon and any suggestions can be sent to Femirsky@gmail.com.
Thanks again for everything.